A lot has happened since I last updated, which is crazy, considering how restricted life has been. Restrictions are easing in my country, so I’ve been able to get out and do more, which has been very helpful.
I split from my last Dom. It was tough but I think it was for the best, because things started to break down as lockdown went on. I understand that things are a challenge during a pandemic, but if the connection no longer works, there’s nothing you can do.
So, I am currently searching for a Dominant, but I’m not rushing into anything and I’m taking some time to explore by myself. I suppose I am currently my own Dominant, in a way. I still have my daily tasks, and use the obedience app to keep on top of everything. This has been really helpful because it’s given me an idea of the kind of routine I would like in the future, which will make negotiations a lot easier.
I’ve been talking with a few dominants but I’m not sure I’ve found a match yet. I’ll let you know when I do!
I’ve been thinking lately about my bucket list, as a sub. I’ve been doing this kind of thing for years but there is still so much I’m curious to explore, and with a brand new year sat in front of me, I think it’s time to start crossing off some of my submissive goals.
Hypnotism
Okay, so we’re starting on a weird one… I have been curious about this for the longest time. I don’t even remember where I got the idea, I think it stems from my desire to be devoted entirely, and giving up control of my free will, and allowing myself to be entirely vulnerable to suggestion.
This is still something I know next to nothing about, and I haven’t yet been brave enough to bring it up, because I’m a little scared of looking a bit crazy, but I am doing a little research, to see what is possible, and maybe, hopefully soon, I will know enough to see if it is something I can seriously pursue.
Giving over control of food and drink choices
This 100% comes from the movie Secretary, aka, the actual film you want to show someone to introduce them to the idea of submission, rather than Fifty Shades Of Grey. I still remember the chills I got, all over my body, as I watched the scene where E. Edward Grey sent Lee Holloway into a frenzy as he gave her a specific list of foods she could eat at dinner.
I haven’t quite decided if I could handle this being a full time thing yet, because as much as I trust my current Dom, it would be a massive step, and a huge piece of control to give over, but I would like to explore it a little more. I have briefly experimented with having some decisions made, but in 2021, I’d really like to push this a little more.
Going to BDSM related events and making sub friends
I have thought about this a lot over the years. I know these events exist (well, they normally would, outside of a pandemic…) and I’ve always had the opportunity to go, but I never have. I’m a little shy. Not exactly shy because of who I am, or what I like, but just in general, so public events of any kind fill me with a little dread anyway. I’d like to have more submissive friends.
I have no interest in playing with others, or sharing my Dom, or being shared myself (in fact, I had that written into our agreement at the behest of my jealous streak), but I would love to have people in my life that I can relate to, and talk to about this part of my life, without them gaping in terrified awe or asking a bunch of awkward fifty shades related questions.
Being submissive is a big part of my life, and a very special part of my life that I genuinely treasure, but it can be very lonely, as I don’t have anyone I can confide in, or get advice from, or just fangirl about cute collars I’ve found on Etsy with. I have tried to do this by using networking websites, but to be honest, the second that you mention that you’re a submissive woman in your profile, many won’t read further than that, and you’ll be inundated with unwanted dick pics, threesome requests from couples, and demands for your submission, so, when the pandemic allows, I’d like to try and go out into the big wide world, and make friends in person, to see if that works out any better than my online attempt.
I will check back later in the year to let you know how these are all going!
I never intended to delve into kink, at all. It just seemed like a weird thing that people in big cities, or on the internet did. Even when I moved to the big city, the idea of just standard sex seemed a long way off.
I moved to the city to study, and at first, I stuck to it religiously. I was raised religiously, which did make things a little easier. It’s not so hard to resist the temptations of the big city, when you’ve been raised to fear the perils of big damnation.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and the road to getting a degree is paved with tons of distractions, and sadly, I am easily distracted. By chance, I met someone, who would be a huge distraction, but would also change my life irrevocably.
We met on a train. I look back on the moment and there are so many hints at what was to come. He didn’t ask me for my number, it was more of a demand. He never really asked me anything, he just had demands. There was a reading list, instructional porn videos (I wish I was joking), and so many expectations. He was very clear, from the beginning, that he wanted a submissive (I have since learned that I have been giving off that vibe for years without noticing), it was a bit like the infamous Ana and Christian situation, and had I known what I know now, back then, I would have seen the crown of red flags that adorned his head, and ran for the hills, but alas, I had no idea what was in store.
He was obsessed with moulding me into an image that he wanted, which I went along with, because I was clueless, but in the months of toil, and unpleasant experimentation, I learned one valuable lesson. I wanted discipline, just without the added degradation.
I had never considered the idea of discipline in my sex life. In fact, I had never really considered sex at all, because it seemed terrifying and far too grown up, but it was the only part of our relationship I enjoyed, and I think the main reason I stayed, despite our incompatibility. I hadn’t yet discovered that I could have what I wanted, because when the only teacher you have ever had, has an obvious bias, your education is going to be skewed.
When I was alone, free to research and learn on my own terms, it was like the whole world opened up in front of me. There was not just fifty shades, but a million shades, and a million different colours, and a million different ways I could find the discipline I needed, and deliver the devotion I wanted to give, without feeling terrible.
After about a year of diligent research, several online quizzes, and a few eye opening conversations with other people on the scene, I discovered that I was a slightly bratty little, who liked to have fun, was kind of into bondage, and loved to be shown who was boss. Now, that wasn’t really happening with my first Dom, because that wasn’t his thing, and that’s fine, but I now had an idea of who I was and what I wanted to find. The only trouble was, it was hard as fuck to do so…
I had a string of relationships (and by string, I mean two) where I was deeply in love, but sexually unfulfilled. Part of that was my own fault, because I couldn’t quite tell them what I wanted (religious upbringing + social stigma + general shyness about the birds and the bees = absolute catastrophe) but eventually, I found someone who got me completely.
It was unexpected. He had never even done anything like this before we met, but he had a very dominant but nurturing energy, even before I mentioned my… preferences. He took care of me, but kept me on track, and so, one day, after several glasses of wine, I blurred it out, and we began talking openly.
It was a little clumsy at first, but slowly, we found a way to make it work, which brings me here, and now.
Tales Of an Aqua Baby 