Finding a dominant is what most submissives want, but it can be such a time consuming process, and if you’re not careful, it can be dangerous, so I thought I’d drop some tips on how to keep yourself safe while finding the dominant of your dreams.
Firstly, make sure you are over the age of consent in your country. Most BDSM spaces will not allow anyone under 18 to participate, so keep that in mind too. I understand that this will make me sound preachy, and that when you’re a teenager, you feel like you are grown up already, but trust me, you are not, and you could get yourself into a lot of trouble by ignoring the laws that are in place for your safety. You will have the rest of your life to do whatever you want, so do yourself a favour and just wait until you are old enough to engage in romantic and sexual things, especially stuff as intense as BDSM.
Okay, so, if you’re over 18, let’s continue! There are a number of BDSM related places that will take a lot of work out of the process for you, because searching for a dominant on traditional dating spaces or just hoping that one will find you is often a waste of time. Dating apps like Whiplr, can be a good start as you’ll know that everyone there is somewhat interested in BDSM, so compatibility is more likely. I would recommend filling out the profile as much as you can, and ensuring that you are very clear about what you are looking for in your biography. Don’t feel obligated to respond to every single message, or any at all, and remember that while you are looking, you are not bound to anybody, so if anyone makes you feel uncomfortable, you have every right to leave.
There are also personal boards on Reddit that I’ve found success with, such as BDSMPersonals. These mainly work by you posting a personal ad to detail what you are looking for, and communicating with people through the responses that are sent. You can also respond to ads from others that interest you. Again, remember that you are under no obligation to answer any messages, or go in any direction that makes you uncomfortable.
I would not recommend looking for partners on sites like Fetlife. While there are some specific areas for finding a partner, the site as a while is essentially a social network, like Facebook or Twitter, so many people will be posting there just to express themselves or to have fun, and probably won’t appreciate unsolicited proposals.
In my experience, I would avoid a potential dominant who does any of the following things when approaching you:
1. Refers to you by pet names or BDSM related labels before you have a connection.
Anyone that starts off an introductory conversation by referring to you in a way that implies that they have your submission does not respect your submission. One of the most important things to remember as a submissive is that what you do is meaningful! Your submission is not something that anyone is entitled to, and is something that a decent dominant will be happy to earn by being a good dominant. Someone immediately talking to you like you already belong to them is unlikely to be able to offer any kind of domination that will satisfy you, because they don’t really understand the dynamic.
2. Sends a long sexual fantasy or a nude picture, completely unprompted in the first few messages.
The initial messages should be about getting to know you as a person, and finding it if you’d be compatible for some kind of connection. If someone’s first thought is to sext, or send a nude, completely unprompted, they are probably just looking to get off with some role play, and will probably ghost you when they are done. If you’re looking for that, go for it, but if you want something more stable, leave them on read, or better yet, block them, because people like that have a tendency to repeatedly send this sort of stuff.
3. Sends a long message that feels like a script.
There are some dominants who will send out the same message to every submissive in their area, and just hope that the law of averages will net them a reply. You can normally tell because the message will contain no information about what interests them about you, what attracted them to your profile or anything like that. Someone who does this is starting off the process by disrespecting you, and that’s never good.
If they can’t have enough respect to read your profile and compose an individual message to you, about you, then they are unlikely to be worth your time.
4. Asks for money, when you haven’t said that you are looking for findom.
To be clear, if you are looking for findom (financial domination) then this may not apply to you, although I’d still be careful and make sure that you have negotiated your terms, limits and taken precautions. However, if you are not looking for findom, and a dominant begins asking for money, this is a red flag. Unless you are in a specific findom arrangement, a dominant demanding cash is probably a scammer and should be avoided.
Male submissives looking for female dominants tend to be particularly vulnerable to this, so be careful. If your submission doesn’t include giving money, don’t allow someone to pressure you into doing it. You have every right to block anybody at any time.
5. Is specifically looking for people with little to no experience.
MASSIVE RED FLAG. There are some people who use the label of dominant, who will look specifically for people who have very little experience, because those people will not have the experience to know that they are being abused or taken advantage of, and if they do figure it out, they are unlikely to have the confidence to speak up about it. These so called dominants normally come with a bad reputation from other dominants and submissives, but if someone is new, they won’t know who to ask about that. I’d avoid anyone who makes a point of saying that they want someone with very little experience, because they rarely have good intentions.
6. They haven’t given any information about themselves on their profile and haven’t said anything about themselves outside of BDSM in their messages to you.
This is a red flag on multiple levels. If they can’t even be bothered to write a line or two about who they are and what they are looking for, they either don’t know themselves well enough to do so, or they are keeping it blank so that they can attract as many people as possible None of these options bodes well for someone that you want to submit to. It’s also a red flag because it potentially means that they are trying to hide their presence in the scene. Fair enough, some people can’t be as open because of their job or because they live in a country that restricts their freedoms, but they should at least be able to fill in a few lines, even if it isn’t super identifying. You need to be able to connect to… something, so if they’re giving you nothing, then they don’t deserve anything from you.
7. Immediately talks about relocation.
Listen, I completely get that sometimes, we get lost in the fantasy, but if someone is immediately asking you about relocating for a long term connection, they are either just getting off on the fantasy and will probably ghost you when they’re done, or they’re absolutely mad. Neither is good.
Relocating is a big step, and it’s not really possible to decide that you could live with someone after talking to them for five minutes, so if someone is putting pressure on you to discuss relocation immediately, relocate to another conversation.
8. Tells you that you don’t need a safe word or that you can’t have one.
ABSOLUTELY NOT! A safe word is your right, and it’s necessary. You might get lucky and find a partner that never makes you feel the need to use a safe word, but as with many things, it is better to be safe than sorry. If they tell you that you don’t need or cannot have a safe word, they do not have a solid understanding of BDSM and they are looking for someone to abuse, not dominate.
9. Immediately starts talking about contracts or collaring you.
More red flags than a communist party meeting! Now, listen. Contracts work for some people and don’t work for others, they aren’t essential (or legally binding), and they DEFINITELY should not be insisted on by someone you don’t know or have experience with. Collars are again not necessary, but they shouldn’t be a snap decision with a stranger. If they’re rushing into massive things like this, then they’re just looking for someone to do it with, anyone, and they don’t care about you. Big commitments will come with time if someone cares.
That’s all I’ve got for now. Stay safe, and remember your worth!
Aqua x
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Tales Of an Aqua Baby 